Newsbreak: This just in Franco died in his bed!

por Álvaro Martín, 22 de marzo de 2005

Madrid, 17 March 2085. New documents have been found that seem to support the claim by a Slovak historian that last century´s Spain dictator died in his bed from natural causes in 1975 while still in power. It had been widely held that General Franco had been toppled by a popular uprising in 1970. The picture of an equestrian statue of Franco being knocked down by the people in the midst of the revolutionary winds sweeping Spain that year has come to symbolize unparalelled courage and determination by Spaniards. Now that historical narrative, taught in all pedagogically-enhanced schools accross the various independent states that make up the Former United multi-Cultural Kingdom for Egalitarian Democracy (also known for its euphonic acronym - FUCKED), may be revisited.
The Slovak historian Paul Wolfowitzek, whose Jewish origins have always cast a pall of suspicion over his work - and continue to do so if you ask us -, could be seen scanvenging for historical clues, while furious digging in Little Cheek Square (or Plaza de Carrillo, as is known by the locals) uncovered a trove of tapes, newspapers and customary Belgian child pornography - uncannily, there were also Village People records. The tapes show newscasts broken by i-Pod and Avril Lavigne commercials. Other news in the telecasts show totalitarian dictator George Bush, of the Great Satan, launching the first of the four wars of his second mandate (as promised by svelte idealist Michael More) and team Real Madrid losing all its home games. That evidence would establish that Franco´s statue would have come crashing down in 2005 and not 1970 as originally thought. But the haunting question then would be: was Franco indeed ousted by people´s power or not? And above all, when would the YMCA song stop being played in straight parties? (hey, beats me... I am never the one at DJ!).
Let´s see about Franco being chased out from power by the bravery of the opposition. If we add up the number of folks who claimed to have been jailed by the dictator and those who claimed to have run in front of mounted anti-riot policemen, the population of former Former etc. in 1970 must have been 200 million, a figure that results from projecting the 100 million who claim to be in clandestine opposition, all male and female adults, into a total made up of adults, infants and elderly, minus 7 fellows that would atttend regularly the pro-Franco rallies at Oriental Fair and Square. Now, we know that the population of  former Former etc.  in 1970 was circa 30 million, which means that some serious bull may have been going on at the time. Nobody implies that toppling the statue 30 years after Franco´s death is any less courageous, but well...yes, we guess a number of Texan-Zionist Bush lackeys would imply it. Well, they can take their fuzzy math and go wage war some place and leave us all well alone.
However, Wolfowitzek, like his famous great grandfather who chaired the World Bank very Jewishly indeed, is determined to continue to stir controversy. Nobody knows why he is picking on former Former in the first place. May be all these neocon Con men all have family issues, like turn of the century  murderer George Bush, who killed women and children, while inocently flying kites, just to satisfy some Oedipic thing between him, his father and Saddam. Since Wolfowitzek´s ancestor was the sinister plotter behind all of it, he would have scores to settle with contrarian countries. Now Wolfy (as he is known affectionately, if somewhat indiscriminately, among his fellows wolfs) argues that countries with rallying cries such as “Long live the chains” and that were somehow bypassed by bourgeois revolutions in the XIX Century need to be candid about their history and that the story about Franco being vehemently opposed kind of run hollow and straight in the face of historical fact.
A con artist this neo-con artist! What about Americans electing Bush twice and then Giuliani and then Rice and then Bush the Third and then Bill Frist´s son and then Rumsfeld the Fourth? Is that something to be proud of? Go dig ´neath the Pentagon, you devious good-for-nothing fake Slovak, you hound. It´s time to play Defense. Whoops! I mean...